One of the strangest things about managing my depression is that I always experience the strangest mix of highs and lows at the same time. Take right now, for instance. I am worried and anxious over a lot of things – having a quarter-life-crisis, if you will. I graduated from college this past May and have a year to myself, in which I will work. Assuming I can find a job. Assuming I can get myself together and send in applications. Assuming I can find a place to live that is not my parents’. Apparently, a post-college existential crisis is exceedingly common, but no one ever told me. On top of that I’ve been having health issues involving my pre-diabetes and PCOS. Everything is a deliciously complicated cycle of feelings that seem to feed into each other, making me tired, moody, and generally uninspired.
This is the first summer I can remember when school didn’t loom on the August horizon. This is the first time when the rhythms of my life aren’t dictated by back-to-school sales, winter breaks, spring finals. This is my first chance at being (more) self-sufficient (than I have been in the past). This is a golden opportunity to finally put in time for myself. Read all those books I’ve been putting off. Write all those essays floating around in my head. Reconnect spiritually. Maybe save up for a new desktop and buy Skyrim like that good gamer I want to be.
Just kidding. I don’t have the hours to sacrifice to that wondrous MMORPG monstrosity. Though how I wish I did…
I’m going through all the books in my Pagan library with the intention of reading as much as possible. I had an idea, a vision, of having a massive resource of Pagan book reviews that go beyond the dozen or so most common/traditional books. Both academic books and those filled with UPG, from devotionals to spellcraft to ritual design to herbalism. Because you know what? I like reading. I like it a lot. And I like it more than spending all hours of the day on Reddit or Facebook games, which are really just diversions to keep me from thinking about how unhappy I am at not being productive.
There’s another project on the horizon that I’m keeping under wraps right now. Morag – the blogger at Innocence and Immanence – and I are working on something very exciting. As the idea isn’t even 24 hours old yet, I want to keep it safe and secure between just a few people until we’ve got it crystallized and ready to face the world. I’ll give you a few hints, though. Writing. Queer theology. Genderbending gods. The Pagans who love them. Bacon.
One of these things, by the way, is not like the others, in that it actually has nothing to do with the project in question.
Finally, I’m going by a new name these days. Many of you know me from The Cauldron as Ellen, and that’s certainly a name I’ll still respond to. It has a lot of meaning for me and I enjoy not being another Britney or Katie or Jessica. But for a myriad of reasons – which I’ll go over in a separate post – I’m taking on a new name for conducting my Pagan shenanigans. My short internet handle will continue to be Sage (or Sageling), hence my avatar, but my new full monicker is Daniel Grey. Yes, that is a male name, thanks for noticing!
Please don’t worry too much about pronouns – I seriously don’t myself – or even about which name is the correct one at the time. “Sage” or “Sageling” is a good middle ground. “Ellen” is fine if you know me personally and are talking with me in a not public forum (like text, or IM). “Daniel” or “Danny” is great for public places like blogs and forums. “Hey you, get out of my way!” will always grab my attention.