What do I believe? I find this question more and more confusing, and its answers more and more nebulous, the longer I dwell on it.
Tomorrow is the Spring Equinox in my neck of the woods, marking my seventh year as a Pagan of some stripe or another. My very first Pagan ritual was Ostara 2007 wherein I didn’t dedicate myself so much as light a bunch of candles and meditate a bit on my yoga map, generally letting the Powers That Be know I was interested and if They wanted to say hello, well then, I was here. My journey, which very nearly started out with me Ásatrú, has led me through Neo-Wicca (via Cunningham and an IRL!coven), two college Pagan groups, twoish years with ADF Druidry, an on-again-off-again fling with Kemetic Orthodoxy, and, more recently, helping shape the Brighid devotional group Clann Bhríde. Among many, many other things.
I find myself struggling (as I so often do) with issues of faith and trust and what the hell am I doing with my life, anyway? I wonder if I will ever find satisfactory answers or if I’m aiming too high, or aiming at the wrong thing altogether. I’m going through my own existential quarter-life crisis (again), this time exacerbated by the painful end of a two-and-a-half year relationship with the first person I really loved, and by my own crazy depression and anxiety issues. Last week, I believe I sank into a major depressive episode as I fought with “regular” depression and school-related anxiety and the guilt over initiating my breakup. The biggest thing I’ve been craving has been some sort of structure in my life, some sense of conviction. Even now, back in my more-or-less-normal mental state and not caught in the reality warp that is a depressive episode, I feel cast adrift and completely without a clue of what to do. Or rather, there are several avenues open to me and I feel… completely uninspired, lackluster, unsure. In several areas of my life (academic, spiritual, whatever) I just feel… stuck. And I’m not sure how to get unstuck, or even if I want to, which is the real kicker.
I miss my girlfriend (my ex, I suppose, even if that concept still feels so completely unreal and alien beyond all reason, even seven weeks later) like I’d miss a limb. I talk in therapy every week about making schedules and plans every day so I feel like I’m doing something and being productive, but then I don’t. I take on responsibilities and then don’t see them through. I sometimes wonder if I’m just so used to feeling useless and adrift that I’ve built my entire identity around these feelings, and the idea of not feeling like this is a threat to the weird comforting status quo I’ve built up over the years.
This was originally going to be a post about theology and trying to figure out what it is I believe and what I stand for, but I’m not even sure I’m at a point where I can do that sort of work right now.